Let me start by saying, I am writing this to men desiring white collar jobs. There is nothing wrong with other types of jobs, but they do not have the same rules when interviewing. Also, I have no fucking clue how a woman should dress or hold themselves. Sorry, it isn't sexist, I just don't know.

If you are like most people entering a job interview, you most likely fucked it up. In fact, you probably fucked up before you even opened your mouth. Sadly, that isn't even the most pathetic part of this situation. The fact that you aren't sure what you did wrong is what sucks the most.

So, I am here to help. I am going to give you a few basic rules about interviews that have nothing to do with talking or resumes. I will discuss body language, clothing, and equipment. That's right, there are rules and if you want the fucking job, you will follow them.

A) What to Wear

The most common error a person would make is to assume casual dress is acceptable. I assure you, it is not acceptable. Are you arguing with me? Well if you are, you are fucking wrong.

Here is what you will wear if you want a job:

1. A dark gray suit. Black is great if you are in the FBI or Men in Black. Gray says that you mean business and aren't thinking about anything else. "I'm not James Bond, I'm just a guy who wants to do a job the way you want it done." You should know that if the suit is wrinkled, you suck. Dry-clean that shit before you even think of going out in it.
2. A matte finished, well polished, black pair of shoes. If you don't know how to polish your shoes, you don't deserve a job. If you wear shiny shoes, you will look like a douche. No offense Mr. McCallister.
3. A pair of clean black socks. Little designs on them are fine as long as they are dark. If you wear dirty socks, you are fucking gross and you need some therapy.
4. A light shirt that is either white or off white.
5. A contemporary looking reddish tie that isn't too wild or too bright, but isn't boring. Learn how to tie it yourself and make yourself a nice knot that isn't too big or too small, and isn't crooked. Check your tie before exiting your vehicle and entering the interview site.
6. A matte finished black belt with a silverish buckle. Don't let that buckle get too shiny though or you will have people staring at your package. Gah... that would be awkward. Also, make sure your belt fits. If you need to poke a hole in the belt to make it fit, you bought the wrong size.
7. A silver or titanium colored watch that isn't too flashy with a metal band. If you wear a leather band, you fucking fail. If you wear a plastic band, fuck you, you cheap fuck. If you wear a diamond studded face... why do you need this job?
8. A white t-shirt. No one wants to see your hairy nipples, your discolored back mole, or your sweaty armpits. Also if you wear a wife beater, you just blew it. No one wants to hire an asshole. Also, don't wear a v-neck, it will show through your shirt and look stupid.
9. Boxers. You'll be nervous no matter how confident you are and you will sweat your balls off if you don't have some breathing room. Plus real men don't wear briefs.

Now for a few things you will either not wear or you will take off before an interview

1. Any additional jewelry except for a wedding band. Earrings, neck charms, facial piercings... no no no. Listen, you can be who you want to be after you get the fucking job, during the interview you need to be a professional. Oh I said it, professionals don't wear fucking earrings. Well... they do, when they have the job.
2. Anything in your front suit pocket. No flower, this isn't the prom. No pocket square... seriously? No pen. That goes inside your jacket and in your binder (we'll get to that in a moment)
3. Do not wear anything on your belt. No cell phone, no pocket watch chain. Didn't you read about the jewelry and the watch thing? You don't need a fucking pocket watch.

Phew... that is a lot of rules GPF!

Well we aren't fucking done yet!

This may seem like a lot of effort to some, and to others this is common sense. Either way, you do it if you want the job.

B) What to Bring

Next up, lets discuss what you need to bring with you. There are several items that you should bring, and some are more obvious than others.

1. Bring four printed copies of your resume. One for yourself and one for up to three other people. They should have been prepared, but if they aren't, you should show them how prepared you are.
2. Bring a printout of all communications between you and the interviewing company.
3. Bring two pens. Make sure they are decent pens... no fucking caps with bite marks. In fact, if you have a nice pen, use that. No colored pens, all black ink.
4. Bring a leather bound folder to hold all of your materials.
5. Bring a pad of white lined paper for notes.
6. Bring enough Advil to get through a headache. If your interview goes well, you might be there a while without food. If you are physically in pain, it will reflect poorly as you change your demeanor.
7. Bring a small package of mints, but not something that rattles. Never take a mint when you are in the process of meeting, but before or during a break it would be a good idea. Your breath probably isn't very good at this point.

C) Clean it Up!

The thought occurred to me that you probably don't know much about professional hygiene. For example, if you have a funky hair cut that would make you look lazy or ridiculous, well it is time to fix it. No Mohawk you fucking idiot. Oh, and if you have that "I woke up and just came here without showering" type haircut, you have no business in a white collar job. Syd may hate me for this, but long hair does not help your cause. You lose at least three points unless you are going for a Linux job. But if that is the case, "You really don't need to give a fuck about what anyone thinks because you are already smarter than the rest of the world and fuck everyone and everything especially Microsoft and their evil empire... fuck Google too, they totally sold out and are just as..." Man... why the fuck are Linux people like that? Shave your fucking face. No beard, no mustache, no retardedly long sideburns. Clean it up!

Did you think to put on deodorant? You fucking should have! Don't wear something that smells to strong, but make sure you don't smell bad. There is nothing wrong with a little bit of cologne, but it isn't necessary.

Brush your fucking teeth well. In fact, go to the fucking dentist before you go on these interviews. You should have as nice of a set of pearly whites as you can muster up.

It is time for you to cut your finger nails and toe nails. Granted, if the potential employer sees your toes, you don't get the job. However, you should have cut them about four weeks ago, so just do it anyways.

Go brush your teeth again.

When was the last time you cleaned your ears out and trimmed your nose hair? Don't be that guy who has a single black hair just dangling out of his nose. Fucking gross. You know who I am talking about. Also, ear buggers are nasty.

It has come to my attention that some of you might smoke cigarettes. Before you even apply for a job we should cover smoking. This is a larger problem than the physical deterioration of your health. I will begin with what your first action should be: Stop it!

There are a lot of reasons why you should stop, but lets go over the ones that have nothing to do with longterm health.

• Smoking costs money. Weren't you trying to get a job so you could have money? How the fuck are you paying for it?
• You will smell like shit. Smelling bad will not help you.
• You will want to smoke during your interview and it will fuck with your interviewing skills.
• Smoking makes people look less healthy. This won't make you look as good for a job interview.
• Smoking causes people to cough. Coughing is a sign of sickness, and no one wants to hire people who might call out sick.

If you are trying to get a job with a major tobacco company, please disregard the entire smoking section.

Finally, you need to get a better sleeping pattern. Those dark marks under your eyes from staying up until 3:00 A.M. playing video games or clubbing are hurting you. Yawning is not a good thing at all. You should be attentive, alert, and resemble everything that equates to a well refreshed human being. If you aren't sure how to achieve this I can offer a few basic starting hints:

• Workout for at least 15 minutes a day. Run, jog, lift weights, whatever. Just make sure it is intense for 15 minutes. It isn't my job to get you "in shape" though that would help you. I am trying to get you to look refreshed.
• Eat a little better. A minimum of three meals a day spread out from 8AM - 8pm. No night time snacks, just water. Eat fresh green things that you have been avoiding. No, not boogers you sick fuck. Vegetables... moron.
• No unprescribed medication. Was that difficult to understand? DON'T DO DRUGS YOU FUCKTARD. While searching for a job, no fucking drugs. No drinking, no smoking (anything) and no shooting up. You need to clear up your head and be the best you can be. Also, you can't afford it monetarily.
• Wake up by 8:00 A.M. and go to bed by midnight. You aren't on fucking vacation!

D) Stand Up

One of the worst mistakes that people make is to walk, stand, and sit with bad posture. How you hold yourself counts for quite a bit and you will be judged! Keep your shoulders back and chest out. If you have a big belly show that you hold it well. If you have a weak small upper body, no problem, the suit is there to help! The key is to present the suit! The image you want to convey is that you are both mentally and physically healthy and ready for the job.

When you give a handshake, a firm shake is what you should go for. Don't break the other person's hand, and don't be a pansy. Hugging is not ok!

E) Good Luck

While I may fine tune this later, I am convinced that if you follow most of what I have written, you will be in good shape for the interview.

When you leave your house for the interview you should feel like you look your best and that there is nothing about your presence that holds you back.

Good luck, with the crappy economy, you will need it!

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